The Phrases from My Parent That Helped Us when I became a Brand-New Dad

"In my view I was simply trying to survive for a year."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the challenges of fatherhood.

But the truth rapidly became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health issues surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into acting as her main carer while also looking after their infant son Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, every change… each outing. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his parent, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help.

The simple words "You're not in a healthy space. You need support. How can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and regain his footing.

His experience is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While the public is now better used to addressing the pressure on mothers and about postpartum depression, less is said about the challenges dads face.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his struggles are symptomatic of a broader reluctance to talk among men, who continue to hold onto harmful perceptions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again."

"It's not a display of failure to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not justified to be requesting help" - particularly in preference to a mum and baby - but she stresses their mental well-being is just as important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the opportunity to request a respite - going on a short trip away, away from the family home, to gain perspective.

He realised he had to make a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states alongside the practical tasks of caring for a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen did not have stable male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held emotional pain caused his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "poor actions" when younger to change how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as a way out from the pain.

"You find your way to substances that are harmful," he says. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Open up to someone - when you are swamped, confide in a family member, your spouse or a therapist about your state of mind. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the activities that helped you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - eating well, physical activity and when you can, resting, all contribute in how your mental state is doing.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - listening to their journeys, the difficult parts, and also the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help is not failure - taking care of your own well-being is the optimal method you can care for your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead offer the safety and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the emotions in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men because they confronted their issues, altered how they communicate, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… processing things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, at times I feel like my role is to guide and direct you what to do, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am discovering just as much as you are in this journey."